It’s annoying when you’re talking to someone and they’re not paying attention to you. Maybe their mind is elsewhere or they’re just bored with the subject you’re talking about but are too polite to tell you.
You’ve seen it in TV shows where one person throws in a completely random comment such as “Do you fancy going to Mars for our next vacation?” and the other person says “yes” on auto-pilot.
Sometimes you can throw in a random question like that to see if the person you’re talking to is actually listening to you. But often, the signs aren’t quite as glaringly obvious.
What other signals can you look for?
Where are their eyes?
Whilst you don’t normally expect the other person to be gazing into your eyes for the whole conversation, eye contact is a good clue as to what’s happening.
If they avoid all eye contact, there’s a good chance they’re not engaged with the topic you’re talking about.
Likewise if their eyes are wandering around the room, they’re at best distracted.
And just be aware that some people use eye contact to make it look as though they’re listening, even if that’s not the case. People can be devious when they want to be!
If they’re smiling, how natural is it?
Smiles can be real or false.
Of course, not everyone smiles all the time – that’s not natural.
But if they do smile and the smile looks forced then that’s an indication that they’re not interested in the topic.
Are they engaged?
Are they asking questions and agreeing or disagreeing with you as the conversation progresses?
Or are they just grunting in teemager mode or otherwise just paying lip service to the conversation you’re trying to have with them.
Not everyone is engaged on every topic – talk to me about sport and my eyes will glaze over – but hopefully you’ll know enough about the other person to know whether they’re likely to find the topic interesting.
Are you being boring?
Not everyone is prepared to tell you that you’ve droned on for too long on a topic.
So you need to check with yourself that you haven’t rambled on for too long.
Ask questions occasionally
Conversations shouldn’t be completely one-sided.
If the other person isn’t asking the occasional question or clarification then it might be time for you to ask them something. Ideally not as blunt as a teacher asking someone in a classroom “what did I just say” but hopefully you can come up with something less confrontational.
Do they look interested?
Depending on how long you’ve known the person, you should have a reasonably good idea as to whether or not they look interested.
And you certainly ought to be able to tell if they look as though they’re about to fall asleep instead of listening to you.
Check their body language
Body language can be subtle sometimes and it can definitely be open to misinterpretation so be careful.
If they’re leaning towards you, they’re probably interested whereas if they’re leaning back, probably less interested (or just relaxing, as I said it’s not an exact science).
Legs crossed or arms folded are usually a sign that the other person isn’t totally open.
If their head is completely still, they might have zoned out. And if they’re nodding frantically to everything you say that could be a question, they are likely over-compensating for not actually listening at all.
Fidgeting could also mean they’re bored by you. Or they might just be hyper by nature but hopefully you know them well enough to know which of those two is the more likely.
And if they’re engrossed in the conversation with you, they might even mirror your movements inadvertently – that’s normally a good sign.
And if you’d like to know more about the secrets of body language, check this link.
Whilst you don’t normally expect the other person to be gazing into your eyes for the whole conversation, eye contact is a good clue as to what’s happening.
